Lost in Antarctica

I have just returned from an adventure at the Really REALLY Big Discount Store. You may know it well. The turn-out there after midnight can be quite frightening and appealing at the same time.

But I am not that brave today, so I ventured out during the middle of the day to find myself contemplating potted poinsettias before Thanksgiving, and standing in line for a REALLY long time. It was somewhere near the Duck Dynasty paper holiday plates and children's toys that kept yammering at me when I passed, that I realized I was talking out loud to myself.

Fine. I've pushed beyond the boundaries of sanity and all it took was a trip to the Really REALLY Big Discount Store. There may be a good reason for pondering out loud over fake chambray shirts and candles that smelled like wood smoke.

First, the mere size of the store is daunting. I used a map to make my way through the aisles, something akin to what boat captains use to navigate shipping lanes.

That was after I hiked through the treacherous parking lot with its many, many Really REALLY Big vehicles. You know the ones. They have names like Adventurer, Armada, TankerShip and ReallyREALLYBigSUV. They are notoriously driven by petite mothers hauling a lone, wispy child in a car seat. I always think the child looks forlorn with a face that screams, "Help me! This vehicle is TOO big."

My haul for the day?  Butter, coffee creamer, garlic bread and a hefty bottle of windshield wiper fluid. (As if that will save my aging Volvo sedan.)

Why do I go there? Well to save money, of course. Isn't that why we all go there to save on four pitiful items?

I'm positive I've saved enough for my daughter's college tuition now.

Making Amends to the Past

"It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgment, but to adhere to it when it is discovered shows infirmity of character."

Found this gem of a quote right when I find myself in a very reflective state. I've been thinking about the past and people I may have wronged.  I'm sure we all do this from time to time.

Yet I'm stuck at a point despite my attempts to move forward from ugly situations or periods of time in my life that I'd live to resolve and, yes, forget. 

It's not that I don't have enough reminders.  "Don't look back. You're not going that way" is posted in a sunset watercolored background mini-poster on my bathroom mirror. My right foot sports a quotation tattoo I got shortly after my marriage dissolved: "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."  Thank you, Ghandi.

Forward. Ahead. The future. Always pushing to a new and greater tomorrow. Yet . . . except for a lifetime of VERY happy memories, I never really take time to ponder those I've hurt or ignored, employers I may have disappointed or family members I've never apologized to for an infraction--no matter how minor.

I'm told that in Alcoholics Anonymous, Step Nine in the 12-Step Program focuses solely on amends for crimes, debts or emotional harm done. The Big Book of Recovery even lists examples of possible letters of amends to make it easier for those in recovery.  I can only imagine how difficult this must be for someone in addiction at Step Nine and so close to program completion, to think long and hard about those they feel they must apologize to or make resolution. 

I'm having a difficult time as well, and feel to really move ahead.  I must say I'm sorry. I am, and I will.